Image for post
Image for post

Chapter 1:

Introduction To Magical Sex

There truly is magic in sex. You know it when it happens — when you feel that complete connection to your partner, and you’re not sure where you end and they begin. You’re both in that mystical place, beyond space and time, and afterward you say something like, “My god. That was amazing!”

Then again, it’s not always easy to get to that level of ecstatic transcendence.

If you want that magic on a repeatable and sustainable basis, there are some things you can do to keep that magic in your life. To begin with, there’s magic in your deliberate intention to have your love life be magical.

When you know the process, the magic is more likely to occur.

The most important part of the magic comes from the connection to your lover.

So often, couples say that after the first year or so, “the magic went out of their love life.” It simply went? Or did they let it go? There is a difference.

We found that those couples started taking their love life for granted and stopped doing all the things that they used to do to make it magical.

A key element in having a lot of that magical sex is having a good, functioning, romantic relationship. The more intimate you are as a couple, the higher levels of ecstasy and fulfillment are available to you. The deeper your connection to your partner, the more likely you are to create a mind-blowing, magical sexual experience.

A good start is to learn ways to deepen the level of intimacy, not just sexual intimacy but your intimate connections on all levels. Stop for a minute and remember the beginning of your relationship.

Recall that time when you would do almost anything for your lover.

Think of the caring and nurturing feelings you had back then.

Now think about that level of sensitivity and responsiveness to each other’s emotional state that you had, and how you can bring that back.

Look for ways to touch, caress and kiss, whenever, and wherever possible. That physical connection triggers the release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and you will find yourself more deeply in love. When that feeling and connection are carried into the bedroom, the magic happens.

Life, too, happens, and we get caught up in all the things and situations we have to deal with in our lives, losing sight of the thing that matters most to us: our relationship.

On a personal note, I have to tell you this wasn’t easy for me either. I was an arrogant fighter pilot who knew it all, and you had to do it my way. The truth was, I knew almost nothing… about sex and relationship.

My biggest concern was scoring and getting my rocks off. I did pick up some techniques that seemed to make some women happy, but the truth is, I was an amateur.

Sex was important to me, and when relationship after relationship didn’t seem to work out, I thought about what the common denominator was, and it was me. So, I started to study and research. I found teachers from all over the world and worked with a shaman for over 15 years. I read every book I could find, and it seemed like I made some progress.

Tantra

Then I met my wife, Judith at a Tantric ceremony. In case you didn’t know, Tantra is an ancient Hindu or Buddhist teaching involving rituals, yoga, disciplines and meditations. Neo-Tantra is what is most commonly practiced in modern cultures and takes the word Tantra to mean a weaving. In this case, it’s a weaving male/female energy and sexuality into everyday life.

Judith and I clicked immediately and began a relationship that made our sex life a spiritual practice. We were able to use all the studies we had each , and we created the kind of love life I’d always dreamed of.

While it is important to know lovemaking techniques, the real key is in the connection. Once the connection is there, then you can use the techniques you know to take it to even higher levels of magical bliss.

Fighter pilots and lovers

With all that study and practice in the area of sex and relationships, I began to see some parallels to what I had learned and experienced as a fighter pilot. I’ll use that comparison all through this book.

Men may (although not necessarily) relate to my fighter pilot analogy more than women, but ladies, please do read on. I’m writing as though I’m talking to a guy, but the information is meant for everyone.

I loved flying jet fighters, almost as much as I loved sex, but flying fighters was dangerous work. We averaged about one crash a month when I was working as an instructor pilot teaching new fighter pilots. You might think that sex and relationships are not as complicated and dangerous as flying a fighter. Think again. At least when you die in a fighter, it’s quick.

How you create your sex /love life has a direct bearing on every other aspect of your life. A 2016 study, Is sex good for your health?, indicates that those who have satisfying and fulfilling love life perform better in every area, are healthier and live longer than those who do not. For me, personally, I find that the more connected sex I have, the more creative I am in everything I do.

Those living unconnected, unfulfilled love lives are more likely to encounter illnesses, both physical and emotional. Sex can be a very important part in maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

In the 2016 study, Relationships among marrieds, sexual satisfaction, marital quality and marital instability, men were asked if they thought they were good lovers. Eighty-five percent of them ranked themselves as “good” to “great” lovers. When their women partners were asked what they thought about their men being good lovers, only fifteen percent of the women agreed with their men.

This tells us two things about men as lovers. First, men really believe they’re good at lovemaking, which means they don’t know what they don’t know, and therefore have no motivation to change or learn something different. Second, their women partners must not have been telling them the truth.

Perhaps women don’t want to bruise men’s fragile egos. But for whatever reason, the woman often doesn’t tell the man that she’s not getting what she wants and needs, so he goes on thinking he’s a great lover, and she remains dissatisfied and unfulfilled.

As I began to study and research about having extraordinary sex, I found many similarities between what it takes to be a great lover and what it takes to be a top-gun fighter pilot.

For example, when I was upgrading to a new airplane, or one that was different from the one I had been flying before, I had weeks of special classes that taught me every aspect of how the airplane was put together, how each system worked, and how those systems interfaced with each other. After learning about the airplane, there were classes on procedures and tactics plus hours of simulator training. When the academic phase had reached a certain level, we began to practice these lessons in the airplane, starting with an instructor. Once the instructor felt we were competent enough, we were allowed to do it solo — that is, alone — without supervision.

It was fun and exciting to take those high-performance airplanes and get them to do the things we wanted. Practicing air-to-air combat, dogfighting, was as thrilling as you can imagine. We used to kid each other, saying that the only thing better than flying fighters was having great sex. Having a fulfilling, loving, sexual relationship is the only thing I’ve found that surpasses the thrill of flying fighters.

I used to think that good sex would happen naturally, especially if I was in love. Anybody can have sex, but having great sex takes study, training, and practice. There might be Sex Ed in schools, but what isn’t taught is how to be a great partner and a great lover.

Basic sex, the kind that usually isn’t magical, may be instinctive, unlike flying where there isn’t much that’s natural or instinctive. Everything in flying has to be learned and practiced. Being a great lover also has to be learned and practiced, and like being a great pilot, takes a willingness, courage, and commitment to learn.

To be a great lover means you have to know how your body works and know how your partner’s body works, and how they interface. There’s more to this than recognizing the obvious body parts. For example, women have a different brain structure than men that allows them to switch from left-to-right brain more easily than men. Women’s hormone system is very different from the hormones system in men and provides a whole different set of challenges. All this plays a significant role in our love life, particularly in our sex life.

These gender differences are so basic and so important that Judith and I wrote a book about it, called “So THAT’S Why They Do That! Men, Women, and Their Hormones.” It reveals the ABCs of how men’s and women’s hormones and brains drive their behavior, thoughts and feelings. When you understand why gender conflicts arise and have the tools to communicate to resolve them, you can achieve the harmony and joy you deserve. If you are committed to having a great love life, I strongly recommend you read this book.

Then there’s Sex Magick.

What is that, you ask?

As you may know, thoughts have energy, and what you think about is what you tend to create. The more you think about something, the more energy that thought has, the more you act on it, and the higher the possibility that what you are thinking of will actually show up in your life.

I’m sure you are aware of sexual energy, starting with puberty. You feel it as you get turned on, and it builds as you make love and your passion grows. Very few people, however, consciously use their sexual energy.

Sexual magick harnesses the power of your orgasmic energy and combines it with your thoughts of what you desire. When you think of what it is you want to manifest at or around the time of orgasm, it’s like adding booster rockets to your thoughts. When you add the power of the two of you holding the same thought, just after orgasm, magic can happen.

More about this when we talk about the stages of partner sex, and you’ll find important technical details about it in Appendix V.

Four Steps

Let’s revisit how flying a fighter may be a good analogy to having a great sexual experience. When we flew a mission, there were four stages:

1. Planning and pre-flight;

2. Take-off and flight to mission area;

3. The mission, and,

4. Return to base and debrief.

Planning involved studying all the elements necessary to accomplish the mission and briefing the pilots. Pre-flight is making sure the airplane is ready to fly.

Flight to the mission may require specific routing and formation techniques, as well as navigation frequency and air traffic control frequencies.

All pilots take care to watch for other aircraft. If you haven’t been properly briefed, you may not know where to go and what to do.

Once you get to the mission area, you need the skills necessary to complete the mission under what might be difficult circumstances, like somebody shooting at you.

Returning to base is self-explanatory. Once you’re back on the ground, debriefing — extremely important so that you can learn whether the objectives were accomplished.

Also, each pilot’s performance is evaluated, and if mistakes were made, they’re analyzed to help that pilot improve his skills.

Similarly, I’ve identified four stages or steps of partner sex.

As in the flight mission, each step in partner sex plays a vital role, and each one is just as important as the other. If you follow these steps, you’ll greatly increase your chances of having a magical and transcendent sexual experience.

These Steps are:

1. Pre-Play;

2. Fore-Play;

3. The-Play, and

4. After-Play.

In the 1950s, the research team of Masters and Johnson did pioneering work in the area of human sexual response that paved the way for the “sexual revolution” along with the availability of birth control for women. Masters and Johnson were the first to identify four phases of human sexual response.

The phases are:

1. The excitement phase of initial arousal;

2. The plateau phase, at full arousal but not yet at orgasm;

3. Orgasm;

4. The resolution phase, after orgasm.

I’ll discuss each of these and show you how they fit into the four steps I’ve identified. But before we get to that, let’s consider a few other elements that will help you taxi to the takeoff position.

Envision Your Love Life

Have you ever given serious thought to the kind of love life you’d like?

What would it take for you to have the magical kind of sex life you want?

Have you discussed it with your partner?

If you want this to work for you, you have to approach it with the same drive and motivation as a top gun fighter pilot. This book has all the procedures and techniques you will need. Study it like a pro and practice those techniques with your partner every chance you get.

Some practices may feel uncomfortable and clumsy at first, but like learning to serve a tennis ball or hit a tee shot on the golf course, it takes training and practice. Let me tell you, I felt really clumsy on my first attempt to fly an airplane, to say nothing of my first attempts at partner sex. All this discomfort is only because it’s new to you and that’s why you and your partner have to be in this together.

Approach this as a learning experiment with promising new experiences that will lead to the greatest sex of your life. When you and your partner are willing to practice all these new things until you get pretty good at them… then really good at them… and eventually master them, your life will change forever.

And there is nothing more fun to master than magical sex.

Ideally, reading this book with your lover might be a good way to cover the necessary topics with minimum embarrassment and maximum impact.

Even if you’re flying solo, having this knowledge and these skills will go a long way toward building a great relationship when you meet the one you want.

Practice Defined

Once you learn the techniques, you need to practice.

There are two forms of practice. The first reason that you do it is because you want to get better at whatever you’re practicing. And you also enjoy the practice. For example, you practice a golf swing by hitting golf balls, which can improve your stroke and be a lot of fun at the same time. Or you play the piano or guitar for the same reasons. This also applies to sex.

The second form of practice is spiritual. If you play golf, or guitar or cook or do something you love, you might sometimes feel like you’re in the “zone.” If you pray or meditate, you raise your consciousness and your ability to be present, mindful. A conscious sexual practice can be both meditative and spiritual, not to mention it’s a lot of fun and feels great. If you’ve ever said, “Oh God, I’m coming,” you know you were having a spiritual experience. Magical sex connects me to my partner and takes me beyond just this physical plane and into a dimension of transcendence.

What’s important

I remembered all the times I neglected the joy of my relationship in favor of work or a hobby. Even today, my biggest obstacles are stress and fatigue. If I work too hard, there’s no energy for sexual pleasure and re-creation. I have to ask myself, “Where are my priorities?” Am I neglecting the things that will actually benefit me the most? It was important to me to set aside time for my relationship. Not just the sex, but time to us to be together and play and enjoy exploring things in nature. Doing those things made my life so much richer. There’s much more on this in the next chapter.

Adding in sexual energy kept the fire burning, or at least smoldering. If you want to be sexy, act sexy. That doesn’t mean act like a porn performer; it just means keep sex in your thoughts and interactions with your partner. Do only the specific sex acts that you’re both comfortable with, intrigued by, excited about. Same with the sex magick. If any specific thing in this book activates a Red Light in her, or in you (the man) for that matter, then set it aside without shame or disappointment.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

Fighter pilot. test pilot, aero engineer, lawyer, turned love, sex & relationship coach. Co-author: So That’s Why They Do That! Men, Women, And Their Hormones.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store